Captain Perk and Commander Kickhard
by galleena
Summary: To be the kind of person who can steal across the galaxy with no fear of being robbed, killed or worse, thrown into jail you need hard feet. Or, more precisecly, you need a HardFeet safe pass permit. Just a little fun :


**Disclaimer: If I owned Star Trek do you think I'd be writing fan fiction?**

**_Captain Perk and Commander Kickhard_.**

_A shadowy figure walks into a publican house on Ursa Minor XIIV where Perk and Kickhard sit as teenagers and ogle the latest piece of talent on the holoscreen. Beneath a long black cloak sinister eyes and a 'Hardfeet' captaincy badge glint ominously through the smoke filled atmosphere, catching Kickhard's eye. He grunts and pokes Perk in the shin with his foot. Perk tears his eyes away from the Minoan dancer and glances sideways at the stranger now standing with his elbows on the bar. The stranger returns his gaze and leans across the table so that their noses are a mere two inches apart. 'Evening Gentlemen' he whispers so softly they have to move in even closer to hear him 'I have a job for two strong young men such as yourselves…'_

Captain Whimsical Perk stood surveying space from his steady-room window. It was a place the former captain had often come to steady his nerves and when Perk took over he was delighted to discover that the steadying effect was to be found in a cabinet of finest Deck whiskey. Although often hallucinationatious it was a form of courage a pirate couldn't really do without. In a moment of sentimentalism Perk thought back to the day he was offered this new way of life.

The job in question the old man hired them for was to sweep out the deck of a tinker class star ship after its recent clash with a crowd of bird people whose planet was taken over by galactic environmentalists. The two young men faced the fumes and muck so bravely that the Hardfeet captain gave them a few of the left-over chicken wings as badges and asked them to join his crew.

Eighteen months later the captain took shore-leave on Risa without inviting the crew so they mutinied, left the quadrant and Perk took control of the ship. Fun and games followed in the three years since and their crew has grown from one hundred to One-fifty in the last three months alone.

(Cue large snot green planet and we see the saucepan shape of the Endeavour swooping around it and sailing off into deep space. Close up of Perk's face which looks very smug then we zoom out the side window and opening credits with Perk's voice-over begin)

**Space; The Final frontier. These are the voyages of the star ship Endeavour. Its continuing commission; to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life and new civilisations: to boldly take what no man has taken before. **(All join in now: Awoooooooooo-wooo-wooo-woooooh)

A blinky light starts blinking on the bridge of the Endeavour. Kickhard turns from the control panel and grunts loudly and clearly at Captain Perk who has natural ability at understanding all languages and so automatically translates what Kickhard is saying to;

'Captain my liege, to the left of our present heading lies one of those massive spaceships (you know the really really big ones) belonging to our sworn enemies the Almighty Lemming Empire. They are giving the impression of being in hot pursuit of a tiny shuttle which has no phasers, shields or chance of escaping but remarkably has withstood enemy fire and is now requesting communication with you.'

'Patch him through please Kickhard'

Perk stood to face the view screen. The helmeted pilot of the shuttle only had time to say 'Requesting assistance' before communication was cut off.

Perk stood staring grimly at the blank screen and in the toughest voice imaginable he cried 'Never fear, little spaceship, we shall _endeavour_ to assist you!'

Then chortling merrily at his own joke he settled back into the plush Captain's chair, fastened his space harness and gave the order to engage distort speed towards the Lemming Spaceship.

**A(very long)N: This is one of those random things that just came to me randomly when I was doing something such as random Chemistry homework. I'll see what kind of responses it gets and if people want more Perk and Kickhard I'll write some more then get on with my life and if people say 'OMG, U r sooooo crap at parody' well then ….I'll laugh and get on with my life anyway!**

**So here's a question I'd really (really) appreciate answers to if you can't think of anything else negative to say in your review:**

**Just supposing you were me, which you aren't and never will be but hypothetically if you were would you continue this story and if so what should happen and if not, well I totally understand where you' be coming from but why not and what should I do with my spare time instead? (A virtual muffin will be awarded to the wittiest answer to this 'what should I do instead' question assuming, of course, I receive sufficient positive answers to continue!)**

**Thanks a million,**

**Galleena :-)**

**P.S. I gladly accept anonymous reviews. They are the only decent way to criticise a writer without feeling afraid that they'll track you down and force you to listen to Vogon Poetry. So feel perfectly within your rights to review anonymously. I don't hold grudges (for long…)**


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